snapshots and observations

Monday, 4 July 2011

how to eat at a barbeque... marky style

barbeque etiquette... i just don't get it.
at credit and katie's barbeque the other night there were lots of people queueing
up, each holding a plate and taking turns to pile on salad type stuff...

well i don't play like that.

let me show you my style... little johnny burger... the meat eater.

step 1.
 walk past the women holding plates who are queuing up for salad.
pick up a bap... no plate, no napkin, just a bap.
are you with me so far ?

step 2.
as you stride towards the meat, roughly rip open the bap.
do it with one hand... it looks better that way.

step 3.
approach the meat
like the terminator entering that biker bar, quickly scan the plate for the most
suitable burger

step 4.
quickly put the burger in the bap
with the first burger of the evening there's no time for finesse.
no time for ketchup, relish or any of that nonsense, just get the burger in the bap.

step 5.
squash it down a bit with your thumb
and use some industrial language as some juice drips out and goes all
over your brand new bearbrick air force 1's

step 6.
bite... go on, don't mess about just bite in...
say something to yourself along the lines of "you beauty"
"get in" or even perhaps "like a boss"

it is then absolutely essential that you look for the man who's operating the barbeque,
wait until you get eye contact with him... don't worry, it will be within seconds as he'll
know when somebody is eating one of his freshly cooked burgers.
look him square in the eye and just nod. he will nod back and that is all 
that needs to be said. both parties will know exactly what is going on... no need for words.

then take a swig of beer, look at the burger and take bite two.

repeat the biting and beer swigging until the job is done.

it's then optional to give another nod and perhaps a thumbs up sign across the
lawn to the barbeque operator.

and that's how i play round one of the barbeque game.

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